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25 Things You Shouldn’t Say In Your Wedding Speech

Finished penning your wedding speech? Take a quick read-through to make sure you didn’t add in any of these.

Things You Shouldn’t Say In Your Wedding Speech

There really is an art to penning a wedding speech. You have to keep things short and sweet but infuse your wedding toast with enough emotion to make it memorable. While throwing in a few anecdotes is fine - even recommended - you don’t want to cross any lines. Playful jabs are fun, but it’s easy to overstep boundaries, so try and reel it in a little. If you’re in the midst of writing your wedding speech, these are a few things you should definitely omit or delete.

Here’s what you should leave out of your wedding speech.

  • “I remember when I was dating [insert bride or groom’s name]...”
  • “Can we talk about their first breakup for a sec? I never thought they’d recover from that.”
  • “When I first met [insert bride or groom’s name here], I wasn’t their biggest fan. In fact, I didn’t even think they’d get past the second date.”
  • “So, disclaimer, I’m already, like, three drinks deep so things might get a little slurry.”
  • “Let’s talk about [insert bride or groom’s name] awkward phase, I brought along a few photos for reference.”
  • “I hope you’re ready to be tied to that ball and chain forever.”
  • “You may not know this, but [insert bride or groom’s name] used to be a real playboy/partygirl this one time we were out drinking and…”
  • “Everyone said Tinder was just a hookup app. Thanks for proving them wrong, you two.”
  • “I literally thought this day was never going to come. Like, never in a million years.”
  • “Now, I was a huge fan of [insert old ex’s name here]...”
  • “Anybody want to place bets on how long this will last?”
  • “How many times have you been married? Third time’s the charm, I guess.”
  • Any inside joke that the rest of the guests won’t understand.
  • “I am so happy you finally tied the knot. I love the two of you, but you’ve been pretty unbearable for the past few months. Cheers to no longer discussing wedding plans!”
  • “Where are the good looking ladies at?”
  • “And, I must say, your mother/father is looking damn good tonight ;)”
  • “I’m pretty sure this is what they call a shotgun wedding.”
  • “The whole idea of marriage is old-fashioned, but I’m happy for you anyway.”
  • “So, you’re having kids soon, right?”
  • “Shit - I forgot the rest of my toast, one sec, lemme just pull it up on my phone.”
  • “This whole thing looks an awful lot like my wedding, but I’m flattered you guys used me as inspiration.”
  • “Hey, bartender, can you grab me another drink? Anyway, as I was saying…”
  • “Now, let’s discuss divorce statistics...the odds really aren’t in your favour.”
  • “*sigh* looks like I’m the only single one in our friend group left. Any ladies or gents in the audience looking for a date tonight?”
  • “I’ve been taking vocal lessons, and I’d really like to share this song I’ve been writing…”

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