Maya
Expert January 2019 Alberta

Wording advice

Maya, on 11/October/2018 at 15:12 Posted in Plan a wedding
So I was finally able to get an address for my uncle and I need some help how to respond. Auntie and I will be there. The other cousins to consider are:Cousin P and his girlfriend & of coursre your other cousin, Q.
I have met cousin P&Q maybe 2-3 times in my life. My mom had said he could bring one as his plus one, but I reread his message and realized my Aunty will be coming. My mom said to tell him, “Right now my numbers are tight, and that when I get back RSVPs that I will let him know.” Even if I do have room I would probably only invite his sons and not the girlfriend as I don’t even know her. Currently we aren’t even able to invite all the friends because of number constraints. I feel a little bad as I’m inviting other cousins but I know them and grew up with them. Please let me know how the wording sounds.
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11 Replies

  • Rekramer
    Expert November 2018 Ontario
    Rekramer ·

    Families can be really tough like that. Stick to your guns and just say, as RSVPs come in, you will let them know. That's what we did until people dropped the uncomfortable people they keep trying to invite. The other thing you can say is "its really important that we able to look out at the crowd and know the people looking back at us".

  • Allison
    Featured October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·
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    Yeah feuds suck! There's only one feud on my side, one of my aunts on my dad's side doesn't get along with her sister so she rarely comes to any family events. I am worried about my one aunt on my mom's side since she drinks excessively, but we have good bartenders and hotel security.

    Most of the feuds are on my FH's side, and we have an idea of which ones will come and who'll avoid it. Some drama starters were left off since we didn't want to deal with them.

  • Maya
    Expert January 2019 Alberta
    Maya ·
    View quoted message
    I sent him a message with no response. There are a few cousins I’m not inviting. One really treated my mom horribly was verbally abusive when my mom helped to look after my aunt who has demensia. The other drinks excessively and causes scenes at weddings.

    Then on my moms side I’m not inviting one Aunt and her kids because there was a huge fued and well they never come to anything we arrange anyway. I’m actually not inviting any of my moms siblings. I would have invited my one aunt but she also hurt my mom bad when my mom had moved in with her as she was dealing with her cancer. I don’t understand why family feuds have to start.
  • Allison
    Featured October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·

    I think with Holly's wording, he'll hopefully understand especially since you've only met them 2-3 times.

    For us, there are family feuds that have been going on before we were born or too young to know why. We're inviting most family because we don't want to cause any new feuds but I know some relatives will not come just because so-and-so will probably be there. Luckily, the ones that won't come are the ones that we rarely see and know, so it opens up room for people we do want there. There is the possibility of unexpected yes RVSPs from them but highly unlikely.

    In a perfect world, we would just not invite them in the first place, but like I said, I didn't want to start feuds

  • Holly
    Featured June 2019 Ontario
    Holly ·
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    We had a similar situation.. we are close with my FMILs aunt and 3 of her kids and their significant others, but we don't know the 4th. They are all adults with their own kids so I doubt they would feel singled out or anything but my FMIL thought different. She said we should invite the one we don't know and haven't even met because it's only fair. We disagreed, it's not fair to us to have people at our wedding we absolutely don't know. We just explained that to her and told her that we don't want to expand the guest list and even after RSVPs if there is space we don't want people we do not know.
    Hopefully your Uncle and Aunt understand that, it's really not a big deal at least I don't think it is.
  • Maya
    Expert January 2019 Alberta
    Maya ·
    View quoted message
    Thanks for the help with wording, I think that is how I will approach it. One thing that I’m worried about is that I’ve invited other first cousins but it’s because I know them. I haven’t met his kids more than 2-3 time. I worry he may feel I’m disclosing them, but in the same token I don’t really know them.
  • Maya
    Expert January 2019 Alberta
    Maya ·
    View quoted message
    Yes that’s true. I’ve been dreading replying to him.
  • Holly
    Featured June 2019 Ontario
    Holly ·
    The other girls are right on point with what to say. Make sure you mentioned how happy you are both he and your aunt will be able to attend, then mention the limited space for the cousins and you'll keep them updated after RSVP.

    "I'm so glad that you and Aunty will be attending! As for cousins P&Q, at the moment due to limited space/costs we have a tight guests list. When we get the final number after we get our RSVPs back we will definitely consider cousin Q&P as guests and let you know!"

    Then if there isn't the room just simply say,
    "Unfortunately after our RSVP final numbers have been counted we won't have enough space for cousins Q&P. We hope you all understand."

    And like the others mentioned you don't own an explanation as to by the GF isn't invited. You don't know her so she doesn't need to be there.
  • Allison
    Featured October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·

    Right now, I'd tell him that there are space limitations, he doesn't have to know it's a cost restraint. Then if you get back the RVSP's and have room for the two cousins, then you will reach out to them.

    You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you are not inviting the girlfriend, you can stretch the truth and say there isn't enough room. (whether it's in the budget or physical space in the hall - again they don't need to know the details.)

  • Maya
    Expert January 2019 Alberta
    Maya ·
    View quoted message
    I will be text messaging him back and not putting that on the invite. It’s not a matter of space tho it is a matter of cost as we are reaching our limit there.
  • Tori
    Featured October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori ·

    If you are talking to him on the phone then I would say that your phrasing is fine but if you are writing this in the invitation I would maybe word it a bit more generic like "Unfortunately due to space limitations we are unable to invite all of our family and friends, but as soon as we have an update on our expected guest count we will be contacting people to extend an invitation." And then on the invitation have only the names of the people you are inviting so "Uncle +1 guest".

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