Elizabeth
Beginner June 2020 Alberta

Maid of honour?

Elizabeth, on 6/November/2019 at 13:18 Posted in Before the wedding

so my maid of honor is my sister who lives in Ontario and i live in Alberta, she brought up to me last night that she doesn't think she can afford to come out but shes going to try. we still have 8 months till our wedding but i don't want to be left maid of honor-less so my question is has anyone been in these shoes? what did you do? i know my sister and i feel like she will leave it till the very last minute and either tell me shes not coming or expect that i will pay for her to come out. i love my sister but she hasn't helped with anything so far for the wedding and has just caused extra stress, she won't even be able to plan my bachelorette party, i tried to bring up to her politely that she could come as a guest and that she wouldn't have to stress about making it out here and having to pay for all the things that included being a bridesmaid but she didn't seem to thrilled with that idea. But i don't have a back up option for a bridesmaid either. what do i do?

Share:

14 Comments

  • Shannon
    Frequent user September 2020 Quebec
    Shannon Online ·
    • Dispute
    I'm kinda in the same boat. But it's with my mother. Who still has not grown up. She wants me to pay her way. I decided to just accept she might now be there. It hurts but I don't want the stress. Maybe to save the stress you can ask someone else? And let your sister figure it out.
    It's hard enough planning our weddings. If she can not make an effort to be there for you. Then so be it. Move on to the next.

    • Reply
  • Stephanie
    Newbie October 2020 Ontario
    Stephanie ·
    • Dispute
    Am I understanding correctly that you aren’t having any other bridesmaids?
    • Reply
  • Chrissy
    Beginner September 2020 British Columbia
    Chrissy ·
    • Dispute
    It seems like she might be coming up with a lot of excuses because she might not want the extra responsibilities and might be too afraid to tell you.
    • Reply
  • Casey
    Featured October 2019 Ontario
    Casey ·
    • Dispute
    I’m sorry that this is something you have to deal with l, especially with a MOH and it being your sister.
    My sister lives in Australia and was my MOH. She may not have been here for all the planning, but she was there for venting. And planned the bachelorette. It is possible to do. I would just have a talk with her about her MOH roles.
    If it comes down to money I would pay for her or ask someone in your family to help out
    • Reply
  • Amelia
    Devoted October 2020 New Brunswick
    Amelia ·
    • Dispute
    There is an app called Hopper that lets you track flights with scary accuracy. It will give you an idea of the cheapest flight she can get and when to book, and that might help her budget. Then of she still seems hesitant then there might be a bigger problem to tackle.
    • Reply
  • Amelia
    Beginner September 2021 Ontario
    Amelia ·
    • Dispute
    I’m in this situation in a way. My best friend is in the military so we came on the topic that she will be left out of most of the planning. I don’t have very many girl friends so I do have guy friends in the party, my guy friends are helping me plan my party and other events.
    • Reply
  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·
    • Dispute
    View quoted message

    That definitely keeps things tough! Like Samantha said, do you have any close guy friends you'd consider as a man of honour or bridesman? My husband had a best woman so it's definitely becoming more "normal" to have a mixed-gendered party.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Frequent user July 2020 Ontario
    Samantha ·
    • Dispute
    View quoted message

    I feel for you, I'm not close with my mom who will not be attending the wedding, or my sister very much. I know you said you have no really close girl friends, but do you have any close guy friends? If FH and I had decided to have a wedding party then one of my "bridesmaids" would have been a bridesman. He's also getting married next year and I'm his groomswoman, so don't let gender dictate who you want to be up there standing next to you if you happen to be closer friends with guys and who would be willing to help you out with wedding dutiesSmiley smile

    • Reply
  • Meaghan
    Devoted September 2019 Ontario
    Meaghan ·
    • Dispute
    That's tough.
    I know it's one more expense, but I would just pay. That way you don't need to stress about it and you have family there. I wouldn't want money to be a reason my family didn't attend/participate in my wedding If you really aren't interested in paying, I would tell her that you need a firm commitment from her regarding the wedding. Give a reasonable date for her to confirm she will be there. If she can't do it by that date I would proceed as though she wouldn't be there.
    • Reply
  • Kelsie
    Featured July 2020 Ontario
    Kelsie ·
    • Dispute
    View quoted message

    In that case, and I totally understand, I would probably have a serious discussion with her and determine whether she needs to step down or not. Perhaps your family could speak with her, or offer to help her travel.


    This shouldn't be your stress, especially from a sibling! I'm so sorry you're going through this.

    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Beginner June 2020 Alberta
    Elizabeth ·
    • Dispute
    View quoted message

    Hi Allison thanks for your reply!

    i only have 2 other bridesmaids and they are both my fiancees sisters whom i am not very close with. my fiancee has 3 groomsmen and i have no really close girl friends. i am not close with my parents at all, i don't think they will even be attending the wedding so i don't think that would be much help.

    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Beginner June 2020 Alberta
    Elizabeth ·
    • Dispute
    View quoted message

    Hi Kelsey thanks for your reply.

    i have spoken to her about this and she continues to say she will make it work. i have already helped her pay for her dress and a few of the bridesmaid things, she had told me that she was saving (its been a year since the engagement) i really can't afford to help her many more as we are paying for the wedding all on our own.

    • Reply
  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·
    • Dispute
    So sorry your sister is causing you un-due stress! Do you have other bridesmaids or just your sister as MOH?
    My MOH almost didn’t make it due to mental illness/cold day before. She did call to say she was still planning on coming, but she had a cold so to limit hugs. She was also battling mental issues leading up to the wedding so I know how it feels to be left MOH-less.
    My plan for if my MOH couldn’t come was to promote one of my bridesmaids to witness-signing. She would still be a bridesmaid, but she’d fulfill the witness-signing duty. Could you have your parents talk to your sister as well? You do have time to find an alternative if your sister drops the ball.
    • Reply
  • Kelsie
    Featured July 2020 Ontario
    Kelsie ·
    • Dispute
    Ahh this is tricky. It seems your sister isn’t really engaged in the planning. Have you mentioned this to her at all?


    Finances are a really hard thing because sometimes people really can’t afford to travel. I would set time aside to talk to her and tell her how much it would mean for her to be there and let her know you’re disappointed she hasn’t been able to plan as much with you.
    If it were me, I probably would offer to contribute to the travel whether she drives or flys. I know this isn’t ideal and may not be in your budget that’s what I would offer to do.
    • Reply

Comment on this discussion

×

Related articles