Bridesmaid abroad - 'suddenly' can't afford dress...

That is quite the pickle, in all honesty, she kind of knew what she was getting into when she accepted the position. she knew that it would get costly with her trip and the expenses involved with the position itself. I would see how she feels about the position and kindly ask how she is feeling and kindly give her an out if she thinks she can handle it then make a plan with her like offer to pay and make a payment plan for her to pay you back.

It may be petty (I mentioned this is another reply as well), but I just feel disrespected at this point that she said over and over she was just super busy with getting her measurements in and was "going to do it tonight" and didn't take the time to do it or complain until now. I had her in touch with the bridal shop owner almost 5 weeks ago. That makes me less inclined to say I will pitch in, which could be wrong, I recognize.

We were in a wedding party together a couple of years ago, a really expensive one (by that I mean $400 for hair and makeup). That doesn't mean I want her to spend even close to that amount for mine. I just think she does know what things cost. She also just went on a 10 day vacation around Europe, which is of course her own choice and none of my business, but then I don't feel like I should be covering her dress cost.

Biggest problem I think is that she won't be understanding if I try to respectfully say it may be better if she attends as a guest.

I appreciate the response, especially since it's not what I want to hear, but is what I need! Maybe I'm just a big b, but I think there should be a general understanding when you agree to be in someone's wedding that there's going to be a cost for the dress. And there was never a question my wedding was going to be in Ontario, so she was/is flying home regardless. I think my personality with weddings in general is that I'm not personally offended if anyone chooses or chooses not to come. So if you're deciding you want to come, that's your adult decision and it's not really anyone else's responsibility to figure it out. Again, people can absolutely chime in and say I'm being an a-hole! I might just be. At this point I just feel pretty disrespected that I have been text-chasing her for 5 weeks and she is bringing all of this up now. The onus was on me a bit as well with regards to talking about budgeting and how it would all work beforehand, but the disrespect I'm feeling now doesn't make me want to help her out at all. That sounds really petty to type out, I know. Just trying to figure out my feelings!

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm going to talk with my mom in more detail tonight, but I think this is the route I have to go. I don't want my wedding to be a burden for her in any sense, so I'm just trying to figure out how to word that so it sounds more like, 'I love you and want you to not be worried about it' rather than 'sorry, you're out because this is becoming a nightmare'. The other concern is that she is the type of person who cares a lot about this kind of thing (being involved) so that's part of the reason I considered her as BM in the first place even though she is so far away.

Right answer to have her attend as a guest than have to stand by you since she changed her mind and not wanting to get the measurement help by another individual. Conversations seem to be the same and no action taken. Her budget isn't working for her and timing will be bad to get another dress at the time.

" My initial response is to say I understand and if it isnt in her budget then she should just attend as a guest. She wont be present for any of the pre-festitivites anyway.."

Yep!!! I'm completely with you on that one.. it may be an awkward conversation, but what's the point in being a bridesmaid then?

I know that planning a wedding is expensive, but is there anything you can do to help cover the cost of the dress? It seems like with shipping that it's going to be more of a cost burden to her than it might be to the other members of your bridal party.

And do you have any other costs that you're expecting them to pay for that you haven't yet communicated? If yes, you may want to approach that with her now (even if you do help subsidize the dress), as it may turn out that she can't afford that either. Having been in a number of weddings, I always appreciate first if the bride checks on my budget before booking things, as that can vary so much person-to-person. Unfortunately being in the bridal party can be quite expensive, especially when one is flying across continents to attend. She likely could have foreseen this at the start, but by the same token, many people haven't been part of a wedding party before and don't necessarily realize all that goes into it.

Hopefully, she's a very flexible friend and will be totally understanding, but should you choose to drop her from the party, there could certainly be repercussions on your friendship.

That is very frustrating. I feel like if people think they can't afford things when they are part of the wedding party, maybe they shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place.

Like Tori said, this is cutting it really close because of the time it takes for a dress to come in. The ones my girls ordered take 3 months, we ordered them yesterday to give them enough time to alter them and not be rushed before the wedding.

But maybe asking her to come just as a guest so she does not have to feel financially restricted.

I felt blindsided when some of my girls had the reactions they did, its hard to see all the issues that could happen. It would have helped if she voiced the opinions from beginning though, and didn't help she wasn't able to come home in early June either. Her intentions were pure but harder in end after costs. I know my one bm is from Alberta and we booked way ahead to get cheap flights. She came for engagement party, going to for bachorlette and the wedding.

So frustrating when friends don't speak their mind - it never helps to keep things to ourselves!!

I would say that at this point if she isn't willing to send the payment and her measurements (if it's even still possible - I know for my Oct. 5th wedding our LAST date to order was 5 months out on May 5th) then I would tell her that with the other girls already payed up and dresses picked that you think it would be best to have her come as a guest and then tell her the reasons. As much as she may be sad that she won't be standing up there with you on your wedding, she can't deny that she won't be able to do any of the tasks that a BM is supposed to do.

Back in April, was there any designers that were both located in europe and here? That way she could have went and tried it on there. When the girls put the deposit down, was this before you had checked with her? I have a girl that is in different province and very far away from any mall min 8 hours. What I did was give her the designer name and she could look up online and pick her dress and all that. I feel like its a little late at this point as it was already decided she had to get that dress and once she found out the price it was told to her not dicussed or to see if anything more affordable. I would imagine the shipping+duties would be very expensive. Either way could have been communicated before now. I would offer her to come as a guest as you can't really change the dress at this point and you want everyone to match.