Megan
Newbie May 2020 Yucatán

Bride Wars?

Megan, on November 25, 2019 at 21:30 Posted in Plan a wedding
Hey ladies! So recently one of my bridesmaids got engaged and I’m super happy for her! But things have changed a little for us both and I’m worried we’ll end up acting out a scene from the movie bride wars lol. We’ve been friends for years and were that typical best friends that always planned their weddings together (although I never would’ve thought it would actually turn out that way lol). Anyway, she asked me to be her bridesmaid too and I’m super excited to be in her wedding too! But now whenever I ask her for advice on my own wedding, she ends up turning it around and we discuss hers which I get she’s excited and has lots to plan, but I feel like I can’t talk to her about my wedding anymore. Whenever she wants to talk about her wedding I make sure to give her the stage and listen to her because I love hearing her plans but she doesn’t seem to want to do the same for me. We even tried doing a designated wedding planning night for each of us (mine one day, hers the next) where we would only talk about our own wedding to try and plan things. It didn’t end up well as every time I would start discussing my plans, she would interject with her own. I haven’t talked to her about this as I’m worried she’ll think I’m trying to take her spotlight or something. Has anyone else gone through this or similar? Any tips? This all seems silly right now but my wedding is creeping around the corner and I’m afraid things might worsen or affect our friendship.
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14 Comments

  • Taylor
    Devoted October 2020 Alberta
    Taylor ·
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    I would just find someone else to plan with.

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  • Zoë
    Curious August 2019 Ontario
    Zoë ·
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    As a person who is probably like your friend, we're sorry! We don't mean to do it on purpose but "by comparison" is how we communicate. I have a friend who is starting her wedding planning and when she asks me for tips and ideas I just talk about what I did for my wedding in hopes that it will help Smiley sad

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  • Kelly
    Expert September 2019 Manitoba
    Kelly ·
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    She's probably just so excited and doesn't even realize shes doing it.

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  • Stephanie
    Master July 2018 Alberta
    Stephanie ·
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    My friend got married two weeks after me. I found the same thing happened so I just found someone else who loves weddings to talk to about mine! I didn’t have any problem talking about hers with her, I just didn’t talk about mine. Now, we’ve also only been friends 5 years, so not the same history that you two have. And, I tend to not confront my friends about my feelings (but I talk my husband’s ear off about them!). During the planning, it was a little annoying but now that it’s all said and done, I don’t have any regrets. It doesn’t weigh heavily on me that I rarely discussed my wedding plans with her.
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  • Ashley
    Super August 2020 Ontario
    Ashley ·
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    You have to stop her and say this is my wedding night were chatting about save this for tomorrow night or whatever night your doing her wedding. she probably doesnt even realize shes doing it shes just super happy about her wedding

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  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·
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    One of my bridesmaid's and I got married within 4 months of each other. We were also in each other's wedding. We were lucky we didn't run into problems like one always talking about their wedding and never the other - however my mom at some point thought I wasn't putting enough time towards my wedding when hers was closer and needed help.

    I would talk to her and express your concerns. Has she set a date yet? Is her's after your wedding? She's probably just excited to (finally) be planning her wedding and may not even realize that she's stealing your thunder. Is there something specific you want her help with? It might help to have one or two specific things to talk about when you talk weddings.


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  • Megan
    Newbie May 2020 Yucatán
    Megan ·
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    I think I'm just going to have to talk to her. I will use your advice though! I honestly think she doesn't realize she's doing it so she can't be blamed.

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  • Megan
    Newbie May 2020 Yucatán
    Megan ·
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    Yes mine is in May and hers September, so there is a decent gap in between. She is actually my MOH and my 2 other bridesmaids live further away so I can still talk to them but she is usually my go to. We have discussed this a little at the beginning and both of us agreed that on our specific wedding events (dress shopping, bridal showers, etc) we wouldn't bring up our own wedding details or compare each others, but I don't think she realizes she's doing exactly that.

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  • Samantha
    Devoted July 2020 Ontario
    Samantha ·
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    This is what happened to me and my best friend! He got engaged a month after me, and I'll be his best woman but I won't be having a bridal party for myself but my bff will be my witness for the signing. Fortunately we're not having this problem though, and we help each other when the other needs advice or an opinion.

    In your situation though, communication is key. Yes, she's entitled to be excited and it's typical that when something similar is happening to you you steer the convo to your own experiences so that you can show you relate, which is some people's way of showing understanding. So she could be completely oblivious to it. Like Megan said, there's no tips really, you just have to be honest and tell her your feelings on the subject. If you have to steer her back to your side of the planning then simply say something like "so what are your opinions on my thoughts?" or "do you think this is a good idea for my wedding?" etc. Some people just need a light nudge to get back on track, and if that's not enough then you just have to come right out and say it to her that it's bothering you and hopefully she understands and doesn't take it in the wrong way. Maybe talk to some of the other bridesmaids though, too just to get some feedback.

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  • Megan
    Frequent user May 2021 Ontario
    Megan ·
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    Communicate!!!


    Maybe she unaware that she's doing this. I would have a conversation with her. Tell her how excited you are for her wedding, and that you're so excited to plan for it. You're also excited for your own wedding, let let her know that sometimes you feel like she interjects with her own wedding when you want to talk about yours for a bit.


    There's no "tips" for this one that will save the resentment without discussing it head-on. And I would say try not to come into the conversation as though you're chiding her for it. Just simply express that you don't feel heard when you're talking about your plans, and you want to make sure that she knows that you are feeling this way.

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  • Vinod
    Featured August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·
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    She seems to be self absorbed in her ways and taken away frim others attention. You two should set rules to know where to not cross the boundaries. This may help to know if one plans for the day, the other doesn't interject and let her know how she is acting towards you. I know she has lots to do and getting your help. You step up and let know that your day is impprtant too as she is part of your party.
    Alternative is not say anything to her about youe plans if she doesn't want to listen.
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  • Michelle
    Devoted October 2020 Nova Scotia
    Michelle ·
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    I think I'm about to be in this situation too because I'm pretty sure one of my bridesmaids is about to get engaged.

    It's definitely something you have to mention to her if it's bothering you. While it could be exciting to plan your weddings together I'm assuming yours is coming up first so it really needs to be the focus for a while.

    Is she your only bridesmaid? Could involving other people in your wedding party in the conversation help keep the focus on your wedding?

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  • Megan
    Newbie May 2020 Yucatán
    Megan ·
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    Yes I agree that she’s probably just excited. Don’t get me wrong I love hearing about her wedding and helping her plan it and I don’t want her to stop, I just want her to be there for me again when I’m stressing about planning and such.
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  • Amelia
    Expert October 2020 New Brunswick
    Amelia Online ·
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    I think it's really normal for people to accidentally steer the conversation back to them. It shows they are listening and trying to relate to you. She probably isn't doing it on purpose, and she is likely just excited for the both of you.


    This is obviously upsetting you, so I think you should talk to her about it. If this were any other problem you would talk to her and this shouldn't be any different. And if that doesn't work try a safe word for when you feel one of you is talking too much about their own wedding.
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