Newbie August 2019 Ontario

Best Friend not Attending

Brittany, on 12/April/2019 at 16:01 Posted in Before the wedding

Hi All,

I am having a real struggle here trying to forgive my friend for telling me she isn't able to attend my wedding. A little background:

We have been friend for 25 years, she is my best friend, we have been through so many obstacles together and have had many great times as well. She has always been my person. When I was engaged I obviously asked her to stand up with me and she said yes. Then my FH and I booked our venue/date and let everyone know. She then informed me she won't be able to attend because she has a family cottage that weekend. I told her the date in December and the wedding is in August. She thought about alternatives for about 12 hours (no joke) and message a confirmed No. I didn't get a phone call or a face to face; this was all through text.

It has been over 4 months now and I am still not able to forgive her for missing the most important day in my life for a cottage weekend. How would you react and deal with this hurt? I am just in such shock, still, that my best friend of 25 years is choosing a cottage weekend over my wedding day.



  • Donna Yeung
    Devoted August 2018 British Columbia
    Donna Yeung ·

    OH Brittany,

    that's heartbreaking, i'm sorry you have to go through this. With all the advice i've gotten in the past from friends who have previously married, they all say the same thing. "Weddings and travel make or break friendships, people's true personalities show during these two events". So true. It sounds like in your case that there could be another reason that you don't know about though. Usually with weddings, other females get bouts of jealousy because maybe their friend is getting married first, or they will like they are being left behind or something like that. Maybe you can talk to her about how you feel and ask her why she feels a cottage trip was more important than your wedding if you still want to pursue this friendship?

  • Deziray
    Curious August 2019 Ontario
    Deziray ·
    A similar thing happened to me, She had come out to visit and I started talking about my wedding and how stressful it is to plan, and she kind of shrugged saying she has a different wedding to go to in that month and wouldn't be able to get more time off work to also come to mine. She was also going to do my hair and make-up for me. It was a very heartbreaking moment, I am still upset about it but I am not going to let it keep me down.
  • Kelly
    Expert September 2019 Manitoba
    Kelly ·

    This is baffling to me. You will only get married once. There will be other cottage weekends. As if that's a valid excuse for missing your wedding. I agree with Bianca, I feel like there's something more to this that she isn't telling you.

    The best, and really only thing you can do is be honest with her and tell her how hurt you are that she wont be there. She is at risk of losing you as a friend, so I hope she hears you out and changes her mind.

  • Bianca
    Curious July 2019 Ontario
    Bianca ·
    This is definitely hurtful I completely understand your situation as I have gone through something similar and chose to cut a friend out of my wedding and life in the wedding planning process. The best thing you can do is explain your feelings and that you are hurt she's not able to attend. Not trying to be devils advocate here either but maybe there's something more going on with her or if she doesn't feel comfortable being your MOH. The best thing you can do is talk to her explain yourself and hear what she has to say. I hope it works out for you
  • Erin
    Curious September 2019 Alberta
    Erin ·

    First of all, That's heart breaking.

    I just text my best guy friend the other day to see if I could get his RSVP for my wedding! (I'm trying to stay on top of invites and numbers) & he told me he was about a month into the process of planning a road trip with a buddy he knew when he was younger. He said he forgot my date (totally understandable) but when he saw it later that night he didn't reach out to his friend & he still hasn't! I would drop everything to be at someones big day, especially a best friend. I feel so hurt and a little lost. He was going to be my Man of Honor and now he's put a road trip above my wedding for priorities. I wish I could offer some advise other than, that alone speaks volumes of how she views your friendship... same with my best guy friend.

  • Jenn
    Frequent user April 2019 Saskatchewan
    Jenn ·
    Weddings bring up way more difficult situations and tough conversations than I every would have guessed. It's not something that, in my situation, is/was foreseen in the least. I've had to end a longtime friendship. There was more to the story than first met the eye, and I had to make the tough call to not only uninvite her to the actual event, but to discontinue the relationship going forward. Not fun. I do not envy you. My only advice would be to make this situation a priority. Have the tough conversation now, and decide if it's a salvage or sever situation. You'll feel much better not carrying it around. Good luck!
  • Tori
    Featured October 2019 Manitoba
    Tori ·

    Seriously??? I am super sorry to hear this - your friendship is longer than my entire life so I can't even imagine what it feels like to have somebody so close to you just duck out based on something so selfish.

    Not sure if you are looking for reassurance or advice but I assure you - that is not something a true friend does, and my advice is to first try and save the friendship by talking to her to let her know it feels like she is picking camping over not only your wedding but your friendship. If after that she doesn't see it the same way and thinks that you are making it into something that it's not, I say ditch her. It will be hard, but it's not worth it to have her bring you down if she doesn't want to be there for you.

  • Becky
    Featured September 2019 Ontario
    Becky ·

    I am so sorry for this happening to you! I can't imagine how that feels. I don't know how I would honestly be able to forgive that... When you have talked to her about how its one weekend that she would be missing at this family cottage, has she ever tried to explain why this is so big to her that she can't attend your wedding? I am shocked that as a best friend she would even consider the cottage more important than you wedding? Even if it was something she booked its refundable at that point for the notice she received and because family cottage she could have switched weekends with someone

  • Bianca
    Featured August 2019 Ontario
    Bianca ·

    Oh Brittany, I am so sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine the pain of a dear friend choosing a "cottage weekend" over her best friends wedding. Has she even tried to justify her reasoning regarding why the cottage is taking priority over your wedding?

    I think it will give you peace of mind if you reach out to her and have an honest conversation about what's happening. This is really a difficult situation, especially since she hasn't really provided you with any context as to why you wedding isn't her priority.

    Best of luck with everything

  • Vinod
    Featured August 2017 Ontario
    Vinod ·

    Very upsetting to hear your best friend isn't coming to your wedding. She must have said yes at first and then thought about it not wanting to be there. Its a sad case she chooses to decline for personal reason.

  • Sharlene
    Devoted August 2019 Alberta
    Sharlene ·

    That is awful. I am sorry that you are going through this. All I can say is I feel your pain. My future mother-in-law also told us she isn't coming to our wedding because it is too far to go from New Brunswick to Alberta. Rumor has it that my future step mother-in-law is expressing that it is too costly to come from northern Ontario to our wedding in Jasper, Alberta. It is too be determined whether or not her and my future father-in-law to be will or will not come. I am trying my best to not dwell on them not coming or possibly not coming. We have given them two years to save and prepare for the cost to attend the wedding. We aren't receiving any of their help either to pay for the cost of our wedding.

    My strategy is to focus on our end goal which is being married and celebrate with our guests that choose to be there for our wedding!!!!

  • Erin
    Featured May 2020 Ontario
    Erin ·

    I know how you are feeling to loose a friend after that length of time. I was heartbroken and sad to think that we would no longer be friends ( she accused me of sleeping with her husband, which never happened, I was telling her a story about a co-worker cheating on his wife and she thought I was confessing but whatever) but that was like 5 years ago and honestly I don't even miss her friendship (because she's $%$#^ crazy) It will be for the best because if she could treat you that way when you need her the most then you will be better off. If you don't think you could say all you want to face to face then write it all down and email it her. You do need to get closure/ answers on this relationship.

  • Melissa
    Devoted May 2019 Alberta
    Melissa ·

    I'm so sorry she did that! Weddings are stressful enough without having to deal with someone who is supposed to be your rock throughout it all.

    I would just try and talk to her, let her know how much it hurts that she won't be there. It's all you can do really....

  • Holly
    VIP June 2019 Ontario
    Holly ·
    Oh wow, I'm so sorry! That's really tough to deal with. We dealt with something similar. One of my fiancés groomsmen agreed to be in the wedding, has the date and everything and about a week ago (less than 2 months before the wedding) he says he can't go.
    My fiancé said he can't forgive him and has pretty much ended the relationship because clearly it meant nothing to the former groomsmen. I would do the same to be completely honest.
    In your situation your friend should have absolutely no problem with cancelling her weekend to be there for you. I would be extremely upset and mad. Best advice I have is to try and sit down with her and maybe express how you feel and how unforgivable it is for you. She should make the time, especially since she already agreed to stand with you.
  • Allison
    Master October 2019 Ontario
    Allison ·

    I agree with Casey, that really sucks! I would try and have a face-to-face conversation with her and let her know how hurt you are that she chose a cottage weekend over your wedding.

  • Casey
    Featured October 2019 Ontario
    Casey ·

    Wow. That is for sure not easy to deal with. I would for sure be super hurt as well. When it comes to weddings, funerals, hard times, etc in life you always find out who your true friends are, but when a friend has been around for 25 years, you would think they would be there no questions asked.

    Have you guys talked since she had confirmed she hasn't been coming?

    I couldn't imagine doing that to a friend and picking a cottage over a wedding. She could have easily gone to the wedding and gone to the cottage the next day if it is a weekend thing. I would find it super hard to forgive her. But if you guys have been friends for that long, maybe having a conversation (or sending her an email/text) letting her know how your feelings were hurt and explaining it to her. I wouldn't let her get away with it and think its ok she can say yes and then turn around and say no because the date conflicts with a family trip...

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